The other day I was scrolling through my Social Media feeds and I came across a bunch of articles alerting me to the fact that it was a day to celebrate something called Power Bottom Appreciation Day. This is the day (apparently) where we pay homage to the guys who can “take it like a champ”, without any pain or fuss. The more and more I read about this ‘holiday’ the angrier I became. I was angry for two reasons – the first being that I really dislike the top/bottom binary that we have put on each other as members of the lgbtq+ community, and the second being that I really, really want to explore bottoming (my desire to do this is very real) but I am afraid that I can’t do it. More to the point, I am worried that I won’t be physically able to do it.
Every time I fantasize about the sex I want in my head, one of the very first images that comes to mind, is my being fucked both gently and not so gently by my lover. I imagine my legs above my head, and me staring deep into their eyes – loving every second of it. I imagine them on top of me, feeling the warmth of their body…Sorry, I got atad carried away in my on visual there…. Of course, that fantasy fades away rather quickly when I snap back to the reality of my disabled life – my body that is stuck at 90 degrees in a sitting position, unable to lift or bend my legs in anyway to accommodate a good fucking. Le sigh.
I hear all the time from the queer MSM communities that “anal sex is real sex”, and that everything else doesn’t really count. Now, I know that this isn’t true, and I know that I can have just a satisfying orgasm as the next guy with oral sex and other forms of stimulation, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel, as a queer crippled guy who works in sex and disability, I was missing out somehow. I was missing out on an experience that made me a truly queer men. I remember being a cast member on the fifth season of MTV Canada/Logo’s 1 Girl 5 Gays and having questioned posed to the group about anal sex. Everyone else would spout of a brilliant sound byte, and I would sit there with nothing to say at all—feeling this weird sense of shame and exclusion that I can’t really put into words. I should also make clear that I’ve been offered the chance to explore anal sex a few times (although, having a one night stand, sloppily mutter, “let me roll you over and fuck you” isn’t exactly the sexiest thing I have ever heard), but each time I turned it down.
The truth is because of my disability; as much as I want it, I am scared to try anal sex. Fucking terrified. I am worried about the level of pain that comes with it (when you live with spastic Cerebral Palsy, sometimes even the suggestion of pain, can cause your body to tense up and leave you with muscle spasms that go on for awhile). I am worried about being so tense that I chop the guy’s cock off with my cakes of steel.
I am scared that because I am disabled and unable to clean myself, that my partner will be tasked with doing that. I have no idea how I would even start a conversation with my partner about making sure my ass was clean (is there a guide for making douching the disabled guy sexy)? Would it go like: “Hey baby, wanna clean me out real good?” I’m not so sure.
I’m also worried that if I were to bleed or have some tenderness or redness afterward, that I would have to explain this to my attendant care workers. I’m sure that most first time bottoms don’t have to contend with someone else seeing their ass first thing in the morning—they can deal with any mishaps in private, without any judgment from others. Is #BottomPrivilege a hashtag yet?
I want my first time bottoming as a queer, disabled man to be, well, special. I want to go into the experience with some kind of knowledge base that makes sense for my crippled body. When I Googled, “anal sex tips for disability”, I was inundated with tips on how to be a better bottom that were all designed for able bodied men, who could reposition themselves at will. Not fair. Why wasn’t there anything for my body? I’d love to see a headline that read: How to a Bottom When You Have Spastic Cerebral Palsy or How to be a Bottom Boy in a Chair. We need information made available for everyone and every body on how to get their cherry popped in a way that is accessible to them. Not having this available sends the message to other queer cripples, that anal sex isn’t an option for them, and that they can’t have real sex. Look, I am all about anal – and I am more than ready to explore that with someone, but if anal sex is the epitome of male on male sex; if it is truly considered ‘real sex’, then as a real man with disabilities, I would appreciate some real information on how anal sex can be made accessible to me.